Taking stock

It’s the 30th of June! I didn’t think much of it until I read this blog post: http://mysistersjar.wordpress.com/2008/06/30/june-thirtieth/

I realized after reading this post that it is indeed the half year mark for the year. Usually, I sit down in a quiet corner on New Year’s Eve, in the midst of all the chaos and wonder what the year has been like, what I have achieved and how many resolutions I have broken. I make promises to myself that the coming year will be different.

I decided to find that quiet corner right now, today. I want to think about how the year has been so far and I want to decide how I want it to be from now on. So I can just smile and spend the last few hours on New Year’s eve celebrating a year that I had.

So far, the year has been very kind to me. I brought it in with my close friends, my bond with my sister has gotten stronger, my cool brother moved back to India, I lost a few more kilos, I gifted my parents a small trip, I got a job that makes me happy, I got my act together and finished my novel and I have nurtured and been nurtured by some very wonderful friends.

It seems like it didn’t bring any problems with it. Not true, it did bring in a fair share of problems. But despite those I want to be happy about it. I have decided to overlook the problems because I’ve been surrounded by love and loads of it.

Love has come to me in abundance, but have I given back the same amount? I don’t think so. I wish I could be a better sister to Nani, a better daughter, a better granddaughter and I want to be a better friend. So yes the coming bit of the year will be all about giving back to my universe what I got from it- Love, kindness, special moments and the reason to smile.

Sister Factor

The sister is my anchor. She holds me down when I’m flying high and keeps me from straying. But she’s so much more than that. She’s a reflection into my soul. And she’s probably one of those few people whose advice I take seriously.

Most weekends, we go out for a Tuna subway sandwich followed by a walk by the sea at Worli. And of course, there’s a lot of talking, joking and discussing that happens in these couple of hours.

This entire weekend ritual pacifies me, de-stresses me and puts my mind right back on track when it is straying or supressed. Talking to her is like soul searching; talking to her is like looking into my own self.

She knows the little things and she knows my mind’s intense churning of thoughts. She knows the books I ought to read and the films I should stop watching. She knows what I do wrong and she appreciates what I can do right.

The bond I share with her has gone through the test of time. She’s my best friend, and the elder sister I always wanted (she is 4 years younger than I)

It is bonds like these that add meaning to your life. It is bonds like these that make you want to live on despite the troubles around you. It is bonds like these that make my life.

 

 

The Shadow

These days the shadow that thrives on my happiness has gotten darker. It has gotten darker to the extent of being indestructible by the feeble lights I flash on it. The shadow only gets darker each day. The shadow eats into my happiness. Every time life gives me a reason to be happy, the shadow creeps up from behind the walls like a hungry dog that has smelt meat.

It devours the juicy meat, sends the pieces of flesh flying as its teeth rapidly sink into it. All that is left behind is a bone. The reminder of the shadow’s existence. A reminder that the shadow needs to be fed. A reminder that there is nothing that can be hidden from the shadow, it will come to demand. But why? Who gave the shadow that right.

I am going to run away from the shadow. I run through the dark alleyways, onto the swarming streets. The shadow only gets darker. I run run run to find daylight. The daylight which might kill the shadow. The shadow is yet darker. The next moment I turn, the shadow is starting to grow its own eyes and nose. It has a face…. It has acquired a face. The shadow is no more a shadow. It has broken free of the chains to be its own self. And then the shadow looks down at herself and smiles. Her solid hand reaches to me and feels my face, neck, hands as if I were a toy. Her fiery eyes bear into me and I feel my form dissolve. I become the shadow.